Left my home to order a medium pizza, and came back right after. I ate it all, purged it all, and now I’m going to sit on my balconey and watch the construction workers below while I wallow in how pathetic I am. ~glamlyf~

People need me.

But I wish people wanted me instead. I wish they genuinly cared for my company, or enjoyed my personality and presence. But no, I’m needed. I’m necessary.

My boss doesn’t want me. She fucking hates me. She needs me because it’s busy and the job needs to get done, but she sure as hell doesn’t want me to be there. I’m probably getting fired soon anyways. I’m easy to replace. I’m a shitty employee.

My dad doesn’t want me. He could care less about me and my well-being. He needs me to fulfill the role as a dad, to seem accomplished in his life. He could have had any other child; it was a fluke that I was born and not some other kid of different genetic make-up. He’d still treat us both the same. It’s not me he wants. He just needs to seem like a parent.

My siblings don’t want me. Especially my sister. She calls me when she needs to go out and shop because she’s lonely. Or to go eat junk food with her because no one else will. She doesn’t want me specifically, she just needs someone in general.

And that’s the difference between need and want. I need food and want it. I need it to live, but all I’ve been doing lately is indulging in my cravings and going for things I want. It’s about time I start living selfishly like everyone else. I’m going to take what I need to survive and that’s it, I don’t give a fuck what I want or crave. I’ve plateau’d and I hate it. Everything sucks.

Of course no one will ever see I have a problem, not when I stand next to her.

She’s perfect. I’m not even exaggerating. I’ve tried to pick her apart, to analyze her in the way I do myself in order to make myself feel marginally better about my disgusting body. Clearly, that didn’t work. She’s everything I want to be; thin, smart, in control of her life. Everything that she does turns out perfectly, every project, every test, fuck I bet she’d get every scholarship if she applied to them.

I barely even see her, save for random appearances like today. I’ve never even seen her arms before today, but fuck, her arms - I’m so fucking jealous, you have no idea. My arms are the only part on my body that I am even slightly satisfied with, but after seeing hers I can’t look at mine the same way. The way they gradually get larger up until my shoulder. How I can grab a handful of flabby flesh off their sides. How my hand can’t fit around the largest part. It’s pathetic.

I try so hard to seem skinny, and she does it so effortlessly. I sit a certain way so my legs seem slimmer, I pull up the sleeves to my large sweaters so my wrists look smaller in comparison, I wear large jackets so my upper legs are covered, I wear sports bras so my breasts seem smaller. I wouldn’t get comments saying “you’re so small and thin” from people today if I didn’t do all that. 

It’s pathetic how much I try to be something I’m not. I pretended I was better, but I wasn’t. I pretend I’m skinny, but I’m not. Fuck, I’m such a jealous bitch.

I can’t tell if today was a good day or a bad day.

Stop.

Stop staring at me like I have a problem. Like I’m some puzzle to be figured out. Stop asking questions, and analyzing me, and stealing glances when you think I’m not looking. I don’t know what you’re looking for, but you’re not going to find it. I won’t let you.

Such a rough week.

My teachers hate me, my boss hates me, I have no time to see friends or spend time with my mom… everything in my life is falling apart.

Good thing I didn’t go to my first two classes today, I’ve been a nervous wreck all morning. Just going to go to school, write the stupid exam, then come straight home and sulk.

As a (slightly irrelevant) side note, I’ve decided to get a tattoo. I might as well have something on my body that I really like.